World Population Day

(When faced with selecting a theme for a July 11th party, naturally I chose World Population Day. Alas, this event is long past, but it’s never too late to be aware of overpopulation. Stay safe out there, citizen.)

On July 11, 1987, a tragedy befell our once-pristine planet: the 5,000,000,000th person was born. Most are born with very little, but this infant, eventually known to his few friends as Eggory “Eggy” Smarth, brought with him a calamitous and woeful epidemic: overpopulation.

Eggy’s parents, Henn and Rustoré Smarth, wept when they first saw him. “Look at him, this shameful being!” Henn sobbed. He could have been so much more, had he only been born a mere half-second earlier. “We should have conceived in September!” exclaimed Rustoré. “Everyone knows that October is a treacherous month.”

Soon after Eggy was born, the High Council of the UN convened to address this deplorable scourge that had suddenly overtaken humanity. Eggy escaped execution by a three-vote margin, but Our Dear Leaders moved to establish this holiday as an annual reminder of our dire condition.

Today, our skies are dark. Our forests are leveled. Our streets and buildings swarm with masses of humans, living out artificially prolonged but ultimately meaningless lives on the scarred face of this Earth we regretfully call home. We are each one infinitesimal part of our society’s greatest affliction, and yet we just can’t. stop. making. babies.

“What’s left??” you ask in exasperation, tacking on that one extra “question mark to show that you really mean it. “Where in this awful “existence can I find ANY joy??”

Well, my dear friend, you’ll be overjoyed to hear that I have a solution. No, not a solution to our world’s ever-growing population crisis, but rather to your own woebegone state.

Come join us the evening of the 11th, and we’ll revel as did our ancestors in their underpopulated and untarnished cities. We’ll luxuriate in a spacious San Francisco apartment, sip draughts of the finest Pabst, and discuss the feasibility of lunar colonization. No expense shall be spared – at least whilst purchasing inexpensive yet effective libations – but supplementary supplies are welcome if you’re feeling inspired.

Let the promise of a rousing shindig soothe your saddened soul forthwith, and we’ll look forward to seeing you on Friday!