On Love and Marriage
Marriage is a beautiful thing – the cultural institutionalization of romantic love – but it’s also an ancient tradition, which is another way of saying that it has a lot of baggage. When my wife Laura and I decided to get married in 2019, we recognized that we’d need to define our own ideas of what marriage means, in great part to steer clear of patriarchal undertones and unwanted social expectations. We also have wildly different religious backgrounds, so we strove to navigate some spiritual middle space for our impending matrimony. A lot of this conversation was directed toward composing a meaningful and mutually authentic wedding celebration, but throughout the process we ended up exploring some wonderful new territory. If you’ve been with your partner for 10 years and you want to learn a whole lot more about each other, I can recommend planning a wedding!
Throughout all this conversation, what stood out the most was this: marriage is an investment, and not a bet. In all of our earlier years together, things were generally good in the present moment, so continuing through the advancing stages of our relationship seemed like the right choice. But deciding to marry someone – saying “I love you now and I intend to forever” – involves a mutual commitment to maintaining that love, and rediscovering it whenever it fades. Even though we are now as deeply in love as we’ve ever been, we will certainly encounter harder times ahead, and we’ve both committed to addressing those problems head-on whenever they arise. And that’s the investment – the commitment to doing whatever hard work needs doing, the trust that my partner will be equally engaged in that work, and the expectation of a return on our investment.
Love can come and go unbidden, but can also be cultivated and practiced. Laura and I weren’t trying to fall in love with each other, and we don’t have to try to feel that same warmth today, but we can nonetheless subtly craft our marriage to make our love sustainably easy, constructive, and exciting. We’re maintaining our good habits of opening our hearts, actively listening to each other, and feeling full in each other’s presence. In moments of frustration or disconnection, we can fall back on these habits to consciously invoke the deep love we hold for each other, and this intentional practice can work to sustain itself.
As I’ve thought about the practice of love, I’ve found it deeply relevant to my world outside of marriage as well. As often as possible, I make the conscious effort to be fully present to the people in my life, to appreciate their idiosyncrasies, and to help them satisfy their needs. Being able to approach my world in a consistently loving way makes me happier, and brings light into the lives of my friends, coworkers, and the strangers I’m lucky enough to meet.
Love begets love in a beautiful way. In all healthy relationships, our loving energy is reflected back to us, and can emanate outward into the world beyond our immediate lives. Love is a joyous feeling, and is worth practicing for that alone, but it’s also the most profound force we can employ to make the world a better place.